Lockdown drills are the modern-day equivalent of the air raid drills I got to practice when I was in elementary school. Both gave parents the peace of mind that comes from knowing that even when the unthinkable happens, our school has a plan. Granted, the likelihood of the plan being useful is relatively small, but we have a plan and we practice it regularly.
As is the case in many schools, the door to my classroom has a window in it, to allow someone outside the room to look in even when the door is closed. School policy requires these windows to be unobstructed during the normal school day, so administrators can see into a room and assess any situation before entering. However, when there is a scary guy in the school, the lockdown procedure requires us to cover the window. So we need to have a suitable window covering available to use in the event of a lockdown.
We had a lockdown drill today. Here is a reproduction of what I used to cover my classroom window. The original was formatted tall and thin, so the entire text would be readable through the window.
How to Blow Up a School
Before blowing up your school, it is extremely important to make sure you have the right kind of school.
Look at the box that contains your new school building. If the picture on the box looks like this:
you should be able to blow up your school quite easily.
However, if the picture on the box looks like this:
you have a brick-and-mortar school. These schools cannot be blown up; they must be assembled using masonry cement.
Assuming you have the right kind of school, follow these simple instructions:
- Obtain a high-output air compressor. (Attempting to blow up a school by mouth is not recommended.)
- Spread out the school so that it will blow up evenly. (Schools that are piled up in a jumbled mess won’t blow up properly.)
- Connect the air compressor to the school’s inflation port.
- Shout “Everybody stand back! I’m going to blow up the school!”
- Push the big red button. (This will turn on the air compressor.)
- Watch the school building to make sure that it actually blows up.
- After several hours, your school should be completely blown up and ready for use.
Once you have blown up your school, it is advisable to ban all sharp objects, including knives, scissors, pens, pencils, teeth, and fingernails.
Because of the ban on pencils, students in your blown-up school will need to take standardized tests with a #2 felt-tip pencil. (These can be obtained from ETS for $35 each.)
This is misleading…
That was the idea.
Sounds like the first half of a “rigorous” standardized test in eighth grade. Part two would go something like this:
“A deer, a number seven, and a past participle are meeting in the new school to design a safety plan. If the number seven is the principal of the school but the past participle wrote a graduate thesis on Kafkaesque symbolism, on what color paper should the new safety plan be written? Explain your answer on the grid underneath.”
Covering a window that is usually not covered is like putting a sign on the door that says, “People here, come on in.” But the blow up school thing was pretty funny!
i actually got a good laugh out of this.
Most of the comments this post receives are puerile and/or inappropriate, so I have disabled comments for this post.