It’s December 25, a time when much of the world, whether for religious or personal reasons, wishes each other well and thinks about making the world a better place.
Here are some of my wishes for you, my students:
I wish you could see yourself the way others see you.
When we look at ourselves, we home in on things we don’t like. Sometimes these can be physical—the way our hair looks, a pimple, mole or other blemish, the shape of our face or body, or the quality of our voice.
Nobody is perfect. Think of a friend whose hair isn’t perfect, who has some sort of blemish on their face, or whose face shape doesn’t match your ideal. You probably had to think hard to come up with examples. It’s not that your friends don’t have these same traits; it’s just that when you think of your friends, you think of the reasons you enjoy being around them. You think about the nice things they do for you and the fun things that you do together. When you think about what your friends look like, you picture them at their best, when their hair comes out just the way they wanted it to. If they have a mole or a birthmark, you have to think about it for a moment to remember it at all. And the shape of their face is just what they look like; it’s part of who they are and therefore part of the total package. You don’t wish they looked any different because it doesn’t matter to you.
That’s also how your friends, your teachers and everyone around you thinks of you. When they think about you, the image that pops into their heads is you at your best. They remember you looking your best, acting your best, being caring and supportive, and being the kind of friend that you do your best to be for them. Because that’s who you are.
I wish you could believe that you are a good person.
If you’re like most people, you probably have excruciatingly high standards for yourself. If you’re like most people, your standards would be unattainable by mere mortals. Any one of your standards is attainable with a lot of effort, but when you focus on one, the others get neglected.
When you think of friends who impress you, they aren’t all things to all people all of the time either. You think of one of their impressive qualities at a time (with examples), and if they’re doing a great job of supporting you when you’re down, you don’t interrupt them to ask “But what about your physics homework?”
Again, this is how your friends, teachers and everyone else thinks about you. They call stories to mind of each of your best qualities, at a time when you were focused on that quality, and when you were able to make a difference in their lives because of it. Because that’s who you are.
I wish you didn’t need to put yourself down.
Unfortunately, if you put yourself down a lot, it’s for a reason. If you’re like most people, you have probably experienced a lot of criticism and/or negativity directed toward you. You are smart enough to know that if you put yourself down before anyone else does, you’ve taken the wind out of their sails. There is nothing left for them to say. Or hurt you with.
However, the drawback of this tactic is that you are constantly hearing bad things about yourself in your own voice. Each time you say one, part of you knows that it’s not really true, and that part of you knows exactly why you need to say it out loud. But other parts of you keep hearing those messages from someone they trust (you), and the messages stick.
I wish you could remind yourself whenever you are about to put yourself down (or whenever you have just done so) that the thing is not actually true—you’re just saying it to protect yourself. Because if you can remember that, over time these messages will switch from being about who you are to being about who you are not. Because all of those negative things are who you are not. Who you are is someone who protects the people you love, including yourself.
I wish you could feel unconditionally loved.
Think about any of the people in your life whom you love. You don’t get out of bed in the morning deciding, “Am I going to love this person today?” “Should I set them tasks like Hercules, and only love them if they are able to complete those Herculean tasks?” Of course not! You love them for who they are, not for what they do. Love is not like money, to be borrowed or lent. Love is a combination of many things, which might include care, admiration, gratitude, and/or feelings of safety and security.
Just as you feel these things for the people you love, the people you express love toward will feel the same feelings for you. If you make someone feel loved, then you are loved in return (whether the person can express it or not). Of course you do those things, because that’s who you are. Therefore, of course you are loved, because that’s the kind of person you are.
As I often say at the end of class, I love each and every one of you! And as we reflect on a season whose primary message is about loving one another, I wish for you to allow some of that love to reflect back upon yourself. Because you deserve it!
