Teacher crushes are a common occurrence. Even if you’ve never had one yourself, you don’t have to ask many people before you find someone who has had a crush on a teacher. And yet, it’s a subject that almost everyone is afraid to talk about.
I probably know more about teacher crushes than most teachers. Several years ago, the website RateMyTeachers.com had an active set of discussion forums. I participated in some of the discussions, offering my perspective as an adult and as a teacher, and eventually I became one of the moderators of the forums. One of the discussion topics, and indeed one that needed more moderation than most, dealt with the subject of teacher crushes.
The topic remained active for approximately three years. During that time, I read every one of the several thousand posts, sometimes editing out identifying information, sometimes talking lovestruck students out of saying or doing things they might regret later, but all of the time quietly observing and developing an understanding of what goes on in the minds of adolescents who have crushes on their teachers.
There are distinct categories of crushes. Crushes can be directed toward those who are “attainable”—genuine love interests. These are usually peers, and these are the crushes that, if reciprocated, turn into romantic relationships. Crushes can be directed toward people who are “unattainable”—actors/actresses, athletes, or musicians. Crushes can also be directed toward people who have a “privileged” relationship, such as a doctor, therapist, or even a boss.
A teacher is a public speaker and, to some degree, a performer. Many students tend to crush on teachers who are particularly good at the speaking or performing aspects of teaching. Students who are struggling with personal issues sometimes confide in their teachers. This can develop into a crush in the same way that a patient can crush on a therapist.
Either way, the student does not actually want the teacher to reciprocate. (Unfortunately, because the students are adolescents who are still developing their identities in love and relationships, they are not always aware that they don’t actually want that kind of attention from a teacher.) What the students are yearning for is the kind of relationship they might have with a favorite aunt or uncle—someone who cares about them, someone they see periodically, someone who listens without passing judgment, and someone who might respond to a scientific question with “Let’s try it and see what happens.”
Some signs that a student may be crushing on a teacher include personal questions, especially questions about whether the teacher is married or has a boyfriend/girlfriend. A student with a crush may develop a sudden interest in one of the teacher’s hobbies. If the teacher is an advisor to a student group or club, the student may join, even if he/she has shown no prior interest.
A teacher’s best response to a student with a crush is to pay attention to the student but to be completely oblivious to the crush. Acknowledging the crush is at best awkward, and at worst can be mortifying; either way, no good can come of it. Like any celebrity crush, teacher crushes fade, often within a few months after the end of the school year, and almost always within a few months after the student graduates.
Because no one talks about teacher crushes, when the crush fades, life goes on as if it had never happened, except perhaps as a brief topic of conversation at a reunion twenty years later. Or, perhaps, as a parent confiding to a son or daughter, “Yes, I had a teacher crush when I was your age. Don’t worry—you’ll get over it.”
